I Come Back Here When Things Are Hard. So In Spite Of Previous Posts, Please Believe Me When I Say,
I come back here when things are hard. So in spite of previous posts, please believe me when i say,
things have been better.
I’ve always said things do get better. And I’ve always been right about that. You know, he’s repeated those words to me. That brought a smile to my face. And I am still right.
I’m thinking of the nights when I used to break apart in my bed. A pain in my heart so palpable it scarred my skin. And then days passed. Years even. And the wounds healed and the days were bright and I found happiness again.
I haven’t felt pain like that again. And I don’t think I ever could. I know too deeply that I am beautiful and loved, for that ache to return.
It does get better.
Always.
~
However, I still get tired. And frightened. And sad. Right now I feel that.
The world feels like it crumbles beneath my fingertips. I believe in love. In safety. And my assurances fall away like dry sand. Every day scrapes by like a wounded soldier, dragging himself home.
I apologize for being so dramatic, to you the empty void. I’ve been missing love for so long.
And It’s always felt too good for me.
You know, in church we used to sing hymns? Horrible things. Monotone and droning. And there they’d weave their messages for me. A wretch they sang, working my mouth with needle and string. Sewing words in hungry earth, that blossomed into an endless fear.
A wretch. That I was not good enough for any type of love, except for love from a being you can not see, can not hear, and can not touch.
And my fear grows. Am I loved?
Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? AmIlovedamilovedamilovedamiloved oh please god let me be loved.
More Posts from Insidethecrypticbluemind and Others
wilbur's doing really well :D
i dont wanna b lonely,
but sometimes im a ghost so-
do i have a choice?
i’ve been living
and thinking recently.
its been nice.
jesus christ does the autumn wind make me remember every good thing about my childhood.
we are always enough.
there are those who will say we will never be enough.
But the truth is we were always more than enough. And they hate us for it.
today my bones are made of the most fragile flowers. I feel little blue petals brush against my lips. Gently
i think i allow myself
to feel happy
for a tiny moment. One that I expected to last for a breathtake - but now my lungs are still full of air. Where’s all the water gone? I can breath. Where’d all the darkness go? I can feel again.
Who is there
hesitating
i am miserable.
it is a “cry in the shower” kind of day.
A “fill your ears with water and hug your knees close” kind of day.
And i am a miserable creature who had to sit down in the shower today.
This is the kind of day that eats up every ounce of energy you have. It leaves you breathless while you lie on your side, mixing the salt on your face with the salt in the sea.
It is not a nice ocean that greets me this morning.
He tells me there is an end to it somewhere.
All I see is more waves.
I am holding cold water to my chest. Hearing rain pound against my eardrums. Feeling more water batter my already bruised skin.
And I am so tired.
when does this all end.?
i am
so
tired.
that’s the one trouble with this country: everything, weather, all, hangs on too long. like our rivers, our land: opaque, slow, violent; shaping and creating the life of man in its implacable and brooding image.
forecast accurate / a southern gothic photo series from my sophomore year 2018
one day i make a post declaring thoughts struck down to me by gods
the next i wanna talk about how if i were a little hamster i would simply grab my little feet and roll everywhere like i were the hamster ball that tried to contain me.
nothing can hold me
-
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insidethecrypticbluemind reblogged this · 1 year ago
-come with mewe will lay under grass in moss and starsloneliness will be forgotten-
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