Crying Sobbing Throwing Up Falling Over @lem0ngh0stt DREW ME AT WORK!!! :'))))) He Captured The Chaotic

Hello. Update.

Still in Germany but will be leaving in a few days.

Fourcast owes me more than $20 for the past two months.

✨minor life update✨ short and sweet of it: -Still in Germany -Don't have clearance from 4CL to disclose what I'm doing in Germany -I miss my cat so much -Got a new tattoo! long and savory of it: I've been in Germany for just about three weeks now, and will most likely not be returning to Chicago until late August/early September. Thankfully I left my cat in good hands and I don't have to worry about finding other people to look after her during this extended time away (but damn I miss her so much :'''') ). I don't have permission from the higher ups to talk about the stuff I've been doing with 4cast while here, but be rest assured things have been as hectic and unpredictable as normal with the lab. Other than that, I was dealing with some pretty rough TAPS episodes my first few days here - I think the stress of traveling (took me over 24 hours to get from Chicago to my initial assignment in Germany) and the new environment has been the cause. Haven't had much time to make some art out of it, but I guess the bright side is I have some good material for when I can get back to making collages? Giant butterflies and bees, big trees, melting disease. Not all of it has been pretty, and the frequent sleeping episodes did not help the jet lag. Regardless, doing better now and experiencing a more typical rate of episodes. Got a new tattoo, too! Forgot how much they hurt. Now I remember. But it looks really cool and I'm super happy with it! Hopefully I can make some more regular updates soon, but no promises. Just when things start to quiet down, they tend to get real rowdy again.

mini(?) life update

graduation, amongst other things.

I almost wish I could say that I've been inactive because the Lab has been giving me crazy work, or I've been busy with something or another, but the weirdest thing is that that's not the case, but I still feel off.

I graduated a few months ago, now. I'm probably not done with academics as a whole, but I had decided before graduating that I would be taking some time off before going back to school. At the same time, the Lab has given me a psuedo-summer break - technically I work there still, yes, but assignments have been unusually slow, to the point where I haven't actually had to be in the lab for...since graduation, essentially. Maybe it's their way of apologizing to me for putting me through how hectic they made my last summer (and fall, and winter).

So my social life, work life, and inner life have all experienced some drastic changes - moving away from campus, not being active with work, the resulting personal challenged with lack of motivation, routine, energy...I know it won't last forever, that once I find my next step in life it'll change, and that I'm definitely not the first person to graduate and feel this way, but I grow tired and frustrated with my own listlessness. Even with the prospect of using the time to pursue hobbies and projects, I find myself immediately deprived of the ability to do it. I just end up feeling tired. And that tiredness and lack of achievement makes me feel frustrated. Etc.

Rambling now - it's only about 8:30 around here but I haven't slept well for almost a week now (thank u taps so cool), so writing isn't my strong suit atm. Thankfully I'm still talking with my therapist, and will see him tomorrow. This will probably be the first thing to come up. Hopefully I'll see y'all around soon.

I will continue out of spite. If anyone wants to take me out that badly, they will have to get their hands dirty and do it themselves! If they wish me miserable, they will have to wipe off my Joker smile with their own two hands!

⌛️TAPS FAQ⏳

What does TAPS mean? -> TAPS stands for Temporal Alignment Permeation Syndrome. It started popping up ~2019 when Fourcast began messing around with the SPORE device. Though I'm not the only one to have TAPS, I imagine it's pretty rare - I've yet to meet anyone else with it in-person. What does TAPS do? -> As the name suggests, my connection to the current time and reality my physical body exists in can be kind of tenuous, leading me to experience other realities and futures. Episodes are random and unpredictable, but thankfully mostly happen when I'm asleep (waking episodes can be pretty disruptive to my day, especially when the glimpses I get aren't the most cheerful :( ). How do you know you're not just dreaming? -> For one, I sometimes experience episodes while completely awake (I have no prior medical history of anything that would cause similar experiences to TAPS), and I can very clearly differentiate between the feeling of being in a dream and being in a TAPS episode. On top of that, Fourcast Lab has been researching TAPS since it started to affect people around 2019 and has confirmed its existence as a legitimate phenomena. How does TAPS affect you? -> It's very much a coin toss. Because it's random and I have no control over what I see, I can go a few weeks without experiencing any episodes, to having some pleasant/neutral experiences during an episode while asleep every couple of days, to dealing with some really harrowing visions during the day. There's good and bad in it, and I hope understanding more about TAPS will help me deal with day-to-day life with it.

How do you deal with TAPS? -> Therapy has been very helpful for me. TAPS can bring on some pretty heavy, existential questions, so having someone to talk to about it has been really important. In a way, interning at Fourcast Lab brings about its own sense of assurance; I know TAPS is taken seriously there and my experiences as someone who is both living with TAPS and trying to research it is unique and helpful when it comes to understanding it better. 4CL people get weird time stuff, so I've found a lot of support and understanding amongst my coworkers. My feelings about 4CL are kind of complicated as a whole, since, as far as theories go, their handling of SPORE is what led to people developing TAPS. I feel conflicted, in a way - as far as we know, developing TAPS is a freak accident, so I can't really be mad at 4CL because it's not like they were malicious, but at the same time...TAPS can be rough. Why do you want to research TAPS? -> Culmination of a few points from above: it's a relatively new and rare condition with little known about it, and I hope understanding TAPS better will help me, and other people living with TAPS, deal with it. Research into TAPS hasn't been that extensive, so I really want to help figure out the why/how/when of TAPS. What is one of your favorite experiences with TAPS? -> I've seen a lot of beautiful worlds through TAPS - in a lot of ways, I feel extremely, uniquely privileged to have these experiences. One that really sticks with me is having an episode while sleeping; I was at the highest point of a mountain range, a lavender sky stretched out overhead. The sun(s?) was just coming up, making pale, yellow streaks in the clouds above me. The sun reached down to the mountain faces around me, pitch black but shimmering in the light, like rippling waves of abalone. At my feet, the mountain I was on dropped off into a valley, overgrown with tree-like flora, leaves deep green and rustling. Curling through this alien forest, like a massive serpent on its belly, was a river of silver, ferocious in its perpetual voyage. The whole episode was so beautiful and serene, it's really stuck with me as an example of the beauty of possible futures and alternate realities, and made me feel really lucky to have TAPS. What is one of your worst experiences with TAPS? -> I was on the CTA during rush hour when I had an episode. Thankfully I was sitting down, but I was totally overcome with the vision of standing at the foot of a volcano as it erupted, a lightning storm battering the blazing peak and striking my surroundings. I heard a lot of commotion, but couldn't identify where it was coming from, and I couldn't move as the volcanic ash rained down upon me, dark and scorching, lava racing ever closer. It was viscerally terrifying, being at the complete mercy of extreme forces of nature. It took me a while to come out of the episode, and when I did I was a) very disorientated, tired, and still pretty scared, and b) had missed my stop by a pretty good margin. Needless to say that day's commute felt very, very long.

What if I have questions about TAPS -> Ask box is open! Feel free to drop me a message :).

LONDON?????

Happy Pride Month btw :) I made these because I'm trans + queer + a TAPS researcher at Fourcast Lab and all of those things are pretty neat! It's therefore my professional opinion that the all pasts, presents, futures, and alternate realities are queer :).

WAIT I NEDD TO FIND SOKEONE TO TAKE CARE OF MY CAT S H I T

Okay I've slept off my edible and double-checked with 4CL. I am actually flying to Germany early July for work. God gives His silliest clowns His funniest battles.

Downtime at work, courtesy of my laptop's front-facing camera.