Very Close To Giving Up. I Feel Like I Need To Go Back To The Damn Ward. I Hate That This Is My Life,

i fear humans like a street dog. rejection after rejection, hurt after hurt, it all gets too much for my already crowded mind.

dez told me to try to put myself out there again in some way or another. and i have, i am trying. not very hard granted; i still am in this safe haven of social isolation and overworking myself in school.

but i have found someone that has proven that strangers can be kind, pure even, and is trying to steer my western brain back towards the light of the east again. he will never know the true weight of the words he writes with, and how i await responses with my tail thwapping against my bed. teeth smiling, not bared.

sad sad girl, smoking to lana all on her lonesome

missing you michael, i want to reach out to tell you i still cared so deeply for you. but i can’t, you don’t want that. so i won’t. just know that i miss you and that i’m sorry my emotions run so deep.

i wish i wasn’t like this. i’m sorry that i cant stop missing you. i wish you gave me a chance to make things right.

i’m processing some tough stuff, i might post excerpts from the journals i have from them,, idk what to do everything feels like static

i wish the gods could fix me. i hate being this way.

sachiel i won’t chase you, i don’t want to scare you off. just know that i miss you, and i don’t know how to show it. i don’t want to come on to strong, to tell you i still love you just as much as that summer day where we became real soulmates.

i miss you. just know i think of you often, and fondly.

i pray so often for my friends and chosen family, but i just know that no one is out there praying for me.

turning back into that 14 year old girl who is terrified of the dark was not on my 2024 bingo card lmfao, like wtf i as a grown adult cannot walk from room to room freely in my house anymore without racing on my crutches to find the light switch.

analog horror is absolutely no match for my own brain because why are the hallucinations and delusions back???

melencholia