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I've been thinking about my cousin lately. She killed herself in December and she was someone I thought I would get to grow old together with. It feels strange that I have to divide my time from before and after her. I haven't told some of my friends because as little as they know about her there is a version of her still alive in their minds. One day they will ask me how she is and I'll have to tell them the news, but until that day she is alive. She is alive and she is trying to push me off the slide.