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Every time I hear about the game I feel a sense of something I missed out on or lost. I don't know what feeling to compare it to. It feels like I have to go back to it to catch up with everyone else.
I was just playing so I could feel like I was better than everyone at something, but since I would cheat when the difficulty was too high and still submit to hardlist clears, mentally I would use that as proof that I wasn't actually good at the game. Every time I would look at someone better than me I would feel like they are at a skill that is unreachable to me.
I physically could not play any better. To beat darkmoon ruins I had to play the game in every second of my free time. it took 2 months to beat it and usually it took others only about a few days to a week. I had to put a fan on max on top of my controller so it wasn't slippery with sweat from my hands. I couldn't take a break for even an hour because then I would lose the muscle memory I gained during play sessions.
I never really felt like part of the community despite watching every major event and every streamer, every discord, every leaderboard, every mod; I still felt disconnected because I wasn't playing the game without cheating, and I had to cheat because there was no way to get any better than I already was.
every time an event like a new collab being released or an event stream happened I would feel like I was in a sprint race to beat each level and it felt exhausting and so demoralizing to see everybody else beating me.
what do you even do in the celeste community other than get better at something related to the game? hardlist, speedrunning, mapping, modding, and tasing are all you can do, and I tried most of them and failed to become notable at any of them.
I didn't play the game because it was fun, I played it for the status; I wanted to be known. The only people I knew, the only people that are notable in the community, are the people that are on the top. If you cant reach the top then why would you play? how are you content?
Its because they enjoy the game isn't it. The glory of winning compliments the fun they have struggling. I can't even imagine it.