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Diary - Blog Posts
i don't know what i was thinking when i decided to study journalism
(i'm exaggerating)
(actually i like what i study, i just like to complain)
(plus i'm CRAMPS)
(i want to be in my bed, but i have to study)
08.01
Confession ♱
“You’re a furious person.”
That’s not wrong, not really. I am not kind; I was not taught to be kind. Even if kindness had been there to guide me through my youth, I doubt it would’ve taken root. Anger has dwelt in me for too long. Resentment festers within me like a plague, making me bitter—too bitter.
Yet, it’s never enough. This anger floats inside me, scarring my soul so deeply that it aches, but I can never act on it. I am not vengeful; my resentments merely turn into abandonment of those presumed closest to me. But I’m learning now as I mature—you cannot abandon love. Physically, you cannot.
When I was younger, care-free and proud of my independence, it was so easy to leave. I had never experienced longing for another person; I had never formed trust with anyone. I built myself up from nothing, and if there was even the slightest chance of being torn down, I cut it off. Quicker than these relationships could even form, I would leave them without a trace of sympathy.
I can no longer say the same. Caution has seeped into me, and I am wary of my future. I can fearfully admit, I am at a point where I have come to rely on someone. People dream of finding their soulmate, but I fear it is to my detriment. I wanted to be alone, but you won’t let me. And because you won’t let me I am angry.
Once again, I feel as I did in childhood. During puberty, I was consumed by a fury that came with the tumult of a growing female body. My emotionless self was suddenly overwhelmed with a flood of feelings that had to be drowned out. But now, as I edge into adulthood, they return, and just like then, I don’t know why. Perhaps when I am older, when my smile lines deepen, and the skin on my knuckles loosens, I’ll understand. But for now, it feels like there is nothing I can do.
I often find myself looking back at those restless teenage years, remembering when I confused innocence with bravery and charged headlong into any situation. My soulmate knows nothing of it—I was a different person then. My past is ugly, my anger is ugly, and I cannot be ugly to my love.
I can be ugly here.
Mis 21 años
En estos momentos de mi vida por fin entiendo que yo soy responsable de mi mismo, que todo mi pasado y presente a pesar de que influir no es responsable de mis malas acciones o decisiones.
He estado pensando mucho en a dónde voy; en mis primeros años de vida recuerdo que quería ser bombero, después de unos diez años siendo ya un adolescente quería dedicarme al dibujo porque se me dió bien, me gustaba el graffiti y mi mayor aspiracion era hacer un mural gigante, innovador y hermoso, tiempo después me llamó la atención la animación y el dibujo digital, me enfoqué más en mi técnica de dibujo y en verdad mejoré bastante. Al entrar a la preparatoria "CECyT 7" perdí la motivación de tener un objetivo...
Cabe resaltar que fue justo cuando ocurrió la pandemia del 2020.
El mundo se me hizo muy grande, me deprimí y creí que me convertiría en otro adulto que carece de estudios, que tiene un trabajo que no quiere y que sufre por no buscar un objetivo en la vida. Me expulsaron de la prepa por mis calificaciones y creí que no había más oportunidades pero unos meses después mi padre me dió la oportunidad de terminar la preparatoria pero estaba a 12 horas de dónde vivía, obviamente lo acepté aún sabiendo que sería difícil vivir solo, mi padre resaltó que esta prepa era militar pero para mí esto no era ningún problema (Ingresé al Colegio Militarizado General Mariano Escobedo Plantel 05 a mis 18 años). viví mis momentos más difíciles esos 3 años estudiando allí y cada día que pasaba me sentía muy idiota pero al final lo logré, me gradué teniendo el rango de sargento segundo y aunque no tiene ningún valor fuera pero el hecho de conseguirlo y trabajar con el más de medio año me enseñó muchas cosas que creo no hubiera aprendido de otra forma.
Antes de ser expulsado del CECyT 7 no supe que carrera tomar, quería meterme a "Soldadura Industrial" pero no le veía futuro (fue un error no animarme) después no sabía si escoger "Aeronáutica" o "Ingeniería Automotriz" pero tampoco me animé, finalmente me metí a una que en verdad no me llamó nada la atención.
Me pregunto como habría sido mi vida si todo hubiera salido bien, no puedo evitar hacerme estás preguntas: ¿no hubiera conocido a mi actual pareja? ¿Ya estaría trabajando? ¿Estaría feliz? ¿Qué tipos de problemas tendría? ¿Cuál sería mi aspecto? ¿Aprendí más tomando un camino difícil? ¿Acaso debo tomar un camino más difícil para llegar a dónde quiero? ¿Que pasa si está vez decido estar cerca de mi familia? ¿Lo estoy haciendo bien? ¿Qué va a pasar? ¿Y si no hago nada?
Lo que quiero hacer es hacer una licenciatura en ingeniería mecánica pero lo veo muy difícil porque no tengo los conocimientos necesarios para entrar a una universidad, y las escuelas de paga nunca me llamaron la atención. Lo más cercano que tengo es una Universidad pública que tiene ingeniería en Mecatrónica y creo que es lo mejor que tengo.
Leo del futuro, te quiero preguntar algo ¿Creés que son tontos mis problemas? ¿tomé la decisión correcta? ¿Podemos seguir creciendo en el mundo profesional y personal? ¿Cómo está Mily? ¿Estás feliz? ¿Has comprado lo necesario para tus dos proyectos?
IT WAS 4 AM WHEN I WAS READING THIS AND IMAGINING THIS DUDE SITTING ON HIS DESK AND WRITING THIS WITH A SAD FACE ALMOST MADE ME CRY AAHH I LOVE HIM SM 😭😭‼️‼️🫶🫶
Edit: DON'T read the tags, i look like im mentally ill.
#016
Dear Diary,
At the moment, Hirotsu @fallingcamelliapetals is not at home, and unfortunately, I have far too much time to think. I've also regrettably turned to the bottle again and am becoming sentimental... how I hate that...
Damn it... everything I've been pushing down is rising up like poison.
Natsume is to blame for everything. He thought it would be a good idea to introduce us. I still remember our first encounter very well. You were so cold... just like always... For some reason, I tried to elicit some emotion from you, but I always failed. And although I generally don't allow myself to feel, I realized after a while that I had been lying to myself. Yes, I had started to develop feelings for you. But by the time I realized that, it was already too late, and you were well on your way to opening your detective agency, while my role as the leader of the Mafia was already sealed.
I really tried to hate you, but in the end, I could never quite succeed, and how I hate seeing you happy, even though I've always wanted nothing but the best for you. But I suppose it was always the realization that I would never be able to have you. Unreachable...
And now I sit here. I finally have the love of my life, and yet... fear of loss is once again consuming me. Allowing myself to feel always makes me insane. As beautiful as it is to close my eyes and slowly be drawn from the grips of love into the sea of emotions, the fear of losing it all is just as terrible... to slowly and surely perish like a fish out of water. Especially after I've learned and discovered things about myself that I didn't even know before... wants and needs I was previously unaware of.
One would think I’m a grown, old man... but in the end, I’m just a love-starved boy, full of fears of being alone...
🍮 Witchcraft Shopping List 🐻
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Candles!!!~ 🕯️✨
Book of Shadows!! 📓♥️
Some stationery!! 🖋️✏️✨
Stickers! 💸🌘
Calendar (a small and cute one!) 🗓️
Incense~ ✨
Small utensils (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)
Gluesticks
✨ That's it!!~ ♥️
work out: 40 minute run
food rules: yes
stretching: yes
studying: 3 hours
meditate: nope
⋆₊˚4/10/2024 – DAY 4 journal
The day after my binge fast was suprisingly good, I thought I'll feel sick or something but nah, it was a regular day. I started it by eating a toast with two eggs, i only ate one because i burnt them both and the second one was just.. uhh.. Yeah, then i *sadly* went to school but I'm trying to make school better to myself so i have to be positive about it. Yay! I went to school. The day wasn't bad but my bsf disrespected me and i was mad at her, tho I'm not anymore. I got a good grade form my polish class and a compliment from my russian class teacher. When i went back home i made myself lunch = a salad my mom made (with greek yogurt so extra healthy) and fried chopped sausages. Then I IMMIDIATELY without any rest went to my room and hopped on my treadmil. I ran for 40 minutes, so my work out was done! Then i again, immidiately, started studying. Okay, there was a little break but it was cleaning the kitchen, so it wasn't really a break. I studied for 3 hours straight because I have a math exam today and i didn't know anything, but i do now - yay! Then it was already dark outside and my hair was super greasy so i just took a shower and washed my hair, its sooo soft now. It was already 8PM when i finished so i went back to my room, started working on my subliminal (I didn't finish it, if anyone is intrested then bbabybrooke is the name of my channel!!). I watched some YT videos and just went to sleep 💤
WORK OUT: done
FOOD RULES: done
STRETCHING: done
STUDYING: done
MEDITATING: nope.
>10k steps, <2L of water
⋆₊˚2/10/2024 – DAY 2 journal
Im writing this the day, yesterday was really succesful. When i woke up, i immidiately did the first half of my work out. I did my skincare etc. and then played some games, but my parents said we're going shopping. The shopping was suprisingly calm and we joked a lot. I bought myself a salad. After we came back my sis was doing an aesthetic 'breakfast' (at 2PM LOL) for her competition (?), she took a pic of it and let us eat it. It was very yummy but i forgot what it is. Then i started reading Atomic Habits and finished a whole chapter, after that I went on a 10k steps walk and listenned to my history topic (so i was walking and studying, smart). When I came back I finished studying the topic and did the other part of my workout (HIIT). When i finished, it was already dark outside. So i mainly relaxed, ate the salad, and at 10 pm when i was going to sleep my sister came back with her boyfriend and she gave me a box of chicken! ofc i ate it lol.. but she also came back with a lot of cakes.. and my mom told to me to eat some of those. i didnt, but the next day i did (today)🥲
---- 2/10/2024 entry
* Today I downloaded GTA the trilogy!! I'm starting with GTA III and it looks good.
* My sister is changing schools, she's 18 so she can do whatever she wants but my mom is so heartbroken, it's so sad to see her this way.
* I felt an urge to relapse into starving, but I KILLED that urge, murdered, gone !!
* On Monday I'll have swimming classes so i decided to go on a 1200 kcal diet until Monday, I'll do HIIT daily and walk a lot + 16:8. Ik thats kinda unhealthy but i wanna look good quick and i swear ill return to eating normal after monday LOLLL
* I was on a walk with my mom for like an hour and a half, I absolutely love walking with her, and I love her, she's the best <3
* That's it lol, nothing really happenned :') byeee🩷🪽
---- 1/10/2024 entry
* It's finally october, yay! I love fall, it's so cozy and its perfect for staying inside, sleeping, reading or baking. It's also the month where i will start my diet and working out again, since tomorrow ill have a mini treadmill!
* Today was fine, ig. I had two tests at school and got A's from both. After school I slept the whole day. The only thing that makes me kinda mad is that I have two freaking pimples on my forehead, ughhh I hate getting my period.
* Did yall heard about the Diddy situation? I digged so much into it, spent 3 hours straight watching YouTube videos about it that I don't think I'll sleep tonight. Im just so sorry for his victims - he's disgusting and he's gonna rot in hell. I also believe he killed Tupac..
* That's it for today! Ik, pretty boring, but a journal is a journal, so I had to write an entry loll !! Bye angels xx 🩷🪽
First day of school 🏫🍂
Sunmer passed so fast, it was fun and i have a lot of menories, but August was getting so boring, i just wanted summer to pass and fall to come. I'm kinda excited ngl haha, i love studying (especially biology and chemistry) so this fall will be a Gilmore Girls fall!! (or gossip girl, but just the aesthetic). My backpack is really heavy cause i have books and self care things like makeup or a hairbush in case if an emergency. I hope today will be calm and just the way i imagined it to be! 🧡
The beginning and the end
After randomly playing a song, everything started there, but now it’s the end. a new beginning is coming….
I fail to what we had
Not wanting us to go back
nice-looking ripped presence
Gloomy puppet with her controllable player
Images glancing to find her ways out
an Irresistible love with doubts
Everything going upstairs to the unknown being
Refusing to believe what was unseeing
When we first met emotions isolation
At a corner alongside expectations
we told each other we never find a closure
At the beginning, it was a lovely explosion
Is it me or you who roll that lighter dice
Earliest treads when we faced the eyes
Beautifully either cruel stabbing to my heart
Is it my mistake or yours, my love
Devout rain was frequently hitting extremely
Recognizing rainbows will arrive at the scene
Even so, I’m here gratefully dancing
like a butterfly peacefully landing
Forever and ever be remembered
Who wrote so many phrases
Back to the sadness of December
Im just always wrong
Everytime i try to do anything, help someone help myself, love… im wrong. I feel as if i will never get this life thing right. Im careless and i hate that about myself. I make so many mistake i question if i myself am one. Im scared i wont every get this right.
Ive criticised of everything that i do to the point where i even question waking up. What if im not doing it correctly. The dread i feel forcing myself out of bed because i know that during my day i will yelled at for doing something, anything. Criticised for trying again. I hate this all. I completely, whole heartedly hate it all. There is somehow always a problem with me. I cannot take it
If i were to ever take my life it is because i don’t think I’m doing it right. Something about me is terribly off, my death is a mere correction a flaw.
I know I’m being far too critical with myself but i cannot help it, I’ve been judged for everything i have tried. Knowing that i am certainly a failure why should i aspire to be more. Of course, i still have a dream, a desire to heal and love others but i fear that when i try to climb up ill fall at the worst time. A fall so high there would be maroon gore splattered everywhere, i might even knock off the person that climbs underneath me.
Killing us both.
i am being a hater, and i am being queer, and i am being autistic at a family event (and i am not the one who is the problem)
so I came across this on my fyp and I think that this person is a comedic genius-
I did go onto ChatGPT.
I did get results, based on the fictional crushes I've had since I was a teenager and what I recently developed (that I could remember from ten minutes ago, help me if I even remember what I'm hyperfixated on this week)
I'm going to give a list of my fictional crushes and you will analyse them, and tell me what my type is and what it says about me as a person.
- Bakugo Katsuki from My Hero Academia
- Sero Hanta from My Hero Academia
- Jirou Kyoka from My Hero Academia
- Leo Valdez from Heroes of Olympus
- Pietro Maximoff from Avengers Rise of Ultron
- James Potter from Harry Potter (but like Hogwarts age, and written by a fanfic writer)
- Ben Hargreaves from The Umbrella Academy
- Rosa Diaz from Brooklyn 99
Based on your list of fictional crushes, a few patterns emerge that can help define your type and what it might say about you as a person:
1. **Confident and Strong Personalities**: Characters like Bakugo, Jirou, and Rosa exhibit strong, assertive traits. This suggests you may be drawn to individuals who are self-assured and unafraid to express themselves. You likely appreciate people who are unapologetically themselves.
2. **Complex Characters**: Many of your crushes, like Ben Hargreaves and Pietro Maximoff, have intricate backstories and personal struggles. This indicates you might be attracted to depth and nuance, valuing characters who face challenges and evolve over time.
3. **Sense of Humor**: Sero and Leo both bring humor and light-heartedness to their stories. You may appreciate wit and a playful approach to life, indicating you value fun and joy in relationships.
4. **Loyalty and Friendship**: Characters like James Potter and Leo Valdez emphasize strong bonds and loyalty to friends. This suggests you may value loyalty and camaraderie in your own relationships, seeing it as an important quality in potential partners.
5. **Diverse Representation**: Your interest in characters from various backgrounds and stories indicates an openness to diversity and a willingness to explore different perspectives. You likely appreciate multifaceted characters that challenge stereotypes.
Overall, your type seems to reflect a blend of strength, complexity, humor, and loyalty. You might be someone who values authenticity and depth in both fictional characters and real-life relationships, seeking connections that are meaningful and engaging.
Like- damn- now that you mention it. This makes sense, I feel like this reasonates with me. I enjoyed this crystal ball exercise, it was surprisingly introspective and I will now never use this information to date someone. I almost forgot during this that I am scared of people lol.
Bro it's hard to be my kind of stupid AND financially responsible, I'm never fucking moving out lol
i am in love. this love is a home that is always empty.
The question is
I'm genderfluid
Is this subject to change if I retake the quiz???
Low-key lol-ing
Take the quiz for yourself if you're interested! It's completely free and short, enjoy yourself!
https://www.idrlabs.com/gender-coordinates/test.php
Me, stressed: I need a drink
Me: *knaws the fucking inside of my cheek to taste the forbidden red juice*
Alice Fucking Oseman made me know pain and joy lol
Tab system:
Orange: "Wait, That's Me." (Relating too hard to Georgia)
Yellow: "Ace Pain." (i.e. "Being asexual, I felt that, ouch")
Green: "Ace Joy." (i.e. "Being asexual, I felt that, thank you Alice :)")
Light Pink: "RAGE" (Getting angry at the scenario or characters)
Dark Pink: "Outlier" (Moments I will probably quote or wish happened to me, like having a Pip, Rooney, Jason, Sunil, Jess or Ellis)
+ page 5: Alice, when I catch you, Alice.
My heart problems are not because of Monster, it's nearly dead from having crippling anxiety since birth.
As someone who's grown up biting their nails aggressively out of anxiety and is now trying to grow them out I just want to say HOLY FUCK HAVING NAILS IS FUCKING RAD I CAN SCRATCH MY ITCHY ASS LEGS NOW
I fucked me over with seeing an edit of that scene of Reid crying in later seasons (the worst one of the ones I believes) and I gunned it to scroll away, proceeded to have an emotional crisis to Dynamight by BTS on loop for three times straight (pan).
HoOW
🗣️ARE🗣️THERE🗣️SO🗣️MANY🗣️BEAUTIFUL🗣️WOMEN🗣️OUT🗣️HERE
I'm three pages into loveless AND ALICE
ALICE WHEN I CATCH YOU ALICE
I've been using tinder. I think I'm ready to jump now.
so im a writer. im only ever going to write listening to boygenius at four a.m.